How does a couple get started in the lifestyle? What if one partner is interested in going farther than the other? How do you get your spouse to try “more advanced” things? I’m sure this is a topic I’ll come back to regularly and give more general advice, but for now I’ll give our version of how this happened for us.
I am a think things through slowly and then act person, and Mrs. is a jump-into-things person. Most of the time she is trying to impulsively do something and I am attempting to slow her down. However, in the case of the lifestyle, I been researching things for quite a long time (see Our Origin Story) and had come around to understanding some of my desires before she even considered it seriously. I first brought the idea up to her kind of out of the blue, while we were driving in the car. My hope was that she would be willing to try going to a lifestyle club and case the place. I knew she was in general sexually adventurous, secure in her concept of her sexuality, and comfortable with her body because of our history of visiting nudist resorts. I had no expectation that we would engage physically with other people, and made this clear. She did agree to go, and as I expected she had absolutely no interest in having sex with anyone else. I was very excited to have the possibility of simply going and enjoying some voyeurism and exhibitionism, and wasn’t focused at all on playing with other people, though I think I would have been interested and willing to.
I’m pretty sure that I felt more ready to jump into swinging because we had differing levels of security in our relationship at the time. This wasn’t about problems we had between us, really, but instead it was a side effect of experiences she had before we met. As it turned out, we both really enjoyed the first experience we had at a lifestyle club. We literally didn’t talk to anyone else, we watched a lot, and eventually settled down in the middle bed of the orgy room and had sex right there. I had exhibitionist fantasies and this was great fun. I loved seeing other groups have sex in other parts of the room, as well. Mrs. enjoyed the whole experience, too. As it turned out we were not able to do that again for a number of years for vanilla life reasons, so the question of whether she and I were comfortable doing more remained unanswered for a long time.
When we revisited the idea again years later, things between us were a little different. She had done some significant work and was more comfortable with our relationship and the idea that I was there for her and wasn’t going anyplace. Still, she wasn’t ready to jump in and play. The first time “back” we had the same rules as the first time – we were going to enjoy each other and just watch the other people. We had a great time and, unlike the first time, we had more opportunities later that year to do the same time again. I was still interested in being more adventurous, and we talked about taking little steps. The next time we wanted to be social, talk to other couples in addition to having our private sexual experiences. Would we be interested in touching someone else with our hands while having sex? She’s consider it if the possibility came up naturally. She definitely wanted to be more social than the previous times, and the step to interacting with other people in the club was in retrospect a fairly big one. While we weren’t particularly successful in engaging other couples in conversation we did end up playing in a group room again.
We were having sex on a long bed and another couple came in and colonized the space next to us. This wasn’t by our design; they were making use of an open spot. They stripped down and got started playing, and we kept going and watched. It was a great thrill to have live sex right next to us. After a while the man of the couple made some arm gestures, indicating that he was interested in us doing some touching between couples. I reached out and touched the wife on her side, and her breast. The husband did some touching in our direction, as well. I have a memory of taking the Mrs. from behind, while one of her hands was extended and the other man held it for a while, which she accepted and surprised me. A bit later I touched the wife again, but she gently slapped my hand away and then both of them moved away out of reach. They got up and dressed before we did; she was clearly unhappy with him as they left. I have always been curious exactly what she was unhappy about. It seems likely that he had done something they had not talked about before hand, and she was angry with him.
It was both exciting to me, because I had touched different woman in a sexual way for the first time in well over a decade, with my wife right there with me. Still, I found the experience kind of awkward, because this all just happened there in the dark room without talking to them before or afterwards. We never knew their names, or anything about them. I voiced this in the car later, and Mrs. agreed with me. Several months later, we had a chance to visit a different club. This time, I asked her again about what we might be willing to try. We definitely wanted a social connection with someone; we realized we had felt isolated the last time, even though we lay there and touched people while they fucked. We thought that if we got to know someone a bit socially, then they might be willing to have sex on the same bed with us, and we might find that more fulfilling because we knew them a little. We also talked specifically about touching, and we were both OK with touching more or less anything or anyone while we were both there on the same bed. I was pretty excited by this because this felt like another big step.
We went to the party, which helpfully was in a private house rather than a club. This was helpful because there were more areas of the house available for conversation rather than dancing. We ended up in a conversation with three people (a m/f couple plus a man), and Mrs. had a great time because one of the main topics was one of her favorites, classic rock. She definitely felt a social connection with these folks, after an hour and a half or so. Later in the evening we walked by a play room and saw the three of them on a bed, playing. This seemed to me to be just the opportunity we had talked about before the party, so I stuck my head in and asked if they minded if we came in. Someone said sure, so we stripped down, I lay the Mrs. down on her back and started going down on her from the foot of the bed.
The other threesome was shifting positions around, and the woman was very happy for me to touch her in the middle of everything else that was going on. They touched Mrs. some, as well. At one point one of the two men was kneeling with an erection. He turned around, and his cock swung over Mrs.’ head, as she was still reclining on her back. His cock was just a few inches above her face, and I could see her looking at it. I wanted her to take it into her mouth… but she didn’t. Instead she took the cock with her hand, stroked it a bit, and kind of swung him away from her face. We then kept going with some more touching between couples, but nothing else that X-rated.
The next day, we were talking about our evening. We were both really happy and really excited; nothing had happened to make either of us jealous, and we had thoroughly enjoyed everything we did do. It really had happened essentially the way we had hoped for. I remarked on the moment when the man’s cock was over her face, and admitted that I kind of had wanted for her to give him a blow job. She looked a little surprised, and said that she had wanted to also. Well, we learned something that day, that suddenly both of us were up for soft swapping (playing with others in various ways including oral sex, but not vaginal or anal). And a few days later when we got home we posted a profile and set about trying to make another experience like that happen.
This takes our story right up to the point where we decided we were both interested in actually swapping partners with another couple. We’ll continue in the next post.